Marriage and Commitment

Through the good, the bad, and the ugly

When I first started writing this particular blog post, it was going to be about how important marriage and the commitment of marriage is when making a family, or committing acts that could potentially make a family. I had just a few weeks before starting to write this found out that I was pregnant, and it was a surprise. As much as it was unplanned for my husband and I, we were both still extremely excited. While there were things to work out along the way that were going to be inconvenient because of our blessed little oops, we were a team, and we knew we could work it out together. It made me eternally grateful for our marriage and commitment to one another because instead of an unplanned pregnancy bringing anxiety, tension, and fear, and taking an undefined relationship to the brink of breaking(or breaking it) the pregnancy brought us nothing but joy and excitement for a new edition to our family. Some inconveniences would probably come about because of the surprise, but it was nothing we couldn’t weather or figure out together.

I had maybe two paragraphs written before we found out I was going to miscarry our baby.

I told my husband at one point that I was probably going to delete the whole document, it seemed pointless right now, but he advised me to wait and not be so rash with words I had lovingly written. And in going through the painful last few weeks, I realized this situation is also why marriage is so important. The amount of support I have needed from him is incredible. Nothing can bring you closer or tear a relationship apart like a tragedy or a health experience like this. And it’s done nothing but solidify us together as one, here for the ups and the downs, the blood and pain as well as the joy.

A perfect design

While I have many takeaways that I’m still processing as part of the healing that you have to go through with a miscarriage, the one thing I can say for certain is that God’s design of marriage is perfect, and so necessary when it comes to the laying of the foundation on which children can be born into. Because the process of having children, growing a baby, having a baby, and yes even losing a baby, or a child, or going through the trials of not being able to have one at all, is so hard. The support needed in those situations is one I wouldn’t curse anyone to go through alone. While it is possible to go through those situations alone, or with support that isn’t from a spouse (that support in addition to support from a spouse is also often times extremely needed), we can’t deny and refuse to believe that there is an ideal that God has created, one man, one woman, joined together by him, that they might become one flesh. Losing our baby broke the two of us personally in a way we hadn’t ever felt before. To go through that alone without support from each other would have just made the pain and the tragedy even sharper, and cut even deeper.

It’s okay to need your spouse

Even when things go perfectly well, the strength and support I needed from my husband while I was pregnant with our daughter was so needed. Through the pregnancy, through the birth, through the postpartum period, we step up for each other when the other truly needs it, and he stepped up for me, time and time again. While I could have made it through on my own, or with just family support, God’s ways are perfect. We can’t deny how perfectly complementary men and women are for each other, and the way that marriage and the commitment of a truly Godly marriage work so well when both individuals are all in. For every up and every down, no matter how bloody, ugly, tragic, and hard things might get, committing to one person to go through all that is extraordinary, and necessary. Because life has a lot of difficulty and tragedy, even setting aside creating a family. But life gets really messy when you have children, literally and figuratively, even when things work perfectly, and especially when they don’t. The selfless service that is so often needed from a husband during this phase of life eases the pain, the hard, and the heartbreak that as women we go through to bring new life into the world. It may be our greatest superpower, but it’s not without difficulty. I’m a strong woman, but I won’t deny how much easier it is to go through all of this blood, sweat, and tears that come with having children with my husband by my side to hold my hand and hold me up when I can’t even hold myself up.

Women talk all the time about how hard pregnancy and motherhood is, but I don’t see nearly as many stating that they needed someone to get through it. Could I make it if something happened to my husband and I found myself without him? Yes, if I absolutely had to I could do it. But why would I want to? Why would I want to go through life without my partner, without my better half? Life is going to be hard no matter what, and I’d so much rather go through it together with a partner, who I know isn’t gonna bolt for the door when things get just a bit more difficult than they want to work through together. You’ll never truly grow up and mature together, work together, and get through the hard times together if you have one eye on the exit door. Divorce has its place, but society has fallen to such a place where it’s a trivial thing that people use just because it’s there and it’s easier than actually turning towards the person you married in love and saying “We’ll get through this, right now it’s just a matter of figuring out how, together.”

Hands held tight

Going through this tragedy has made it even more clear to me that marriage truly is one of the foundation blocks of society. And more people need to grow up and realize that men and women actually need each other and that we’re made by God to complement one another, and to walk through the fiery trials of life together, hands held tight, all in on the commitment you made to each other and before God, together. I have needed my husband so many times in just the two years of marriage we’ve had together, and he has needed me, and that’s not about to change anytime soon. Why would I want to be a strong independent woman, when life is so much better and easier when my husband and I need each other and get to lean on one another in the ebbs and flows of life? Life is a struggle, and I would much rather cleave to someone ready to walk this long hard journey beside me, no matter what happens, than struggle on alone. Marriage and commitment is a beautiful gift that God has given us. And I wouldn’t have my life anyway else, because even going through tragedy with my husband is better than being alone. The best thing both of us has ever done is decide that we’re going to hold each others hands as we live life to the fullest extent, walking through every moment of joy or sadness that God and life has to give us, together.

In honor of Jessi Jean Rice, we both can’t wait until the day we get to hold you for the first time.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.