When Does the Honeymoon Phase End?

Whenever you let it...

My wonderful husband and I have now reached the third anniversary of meeting each other for the first time. We actually met online, we had the best first date lunch at one of my favorite breweries and ran into my best friend’s dad while we were there, and the rest is history as they say. We were unusually well matched in our interests, our goals in life, and in many other aspects of life that have been beneficial for our relationship, like our love languages. It’s a huge blessing I’m eternally grateful for every day. You would think by three years now, the supposed “honeymoon phase” would have worn off, barely even a year into our marriage my husband was even asked by a coworker if it had worn off yet. But I can honestly say it hasn’t. Are we more comfortable with each other, as well as secure in knowing the kind of things that make the other person tick, and what can cheer the other person up on a hard day? Absolutely! It’s been a lovely, fun road learning and growing together, asking questions, trying different things, and expressing gratitude if something that the other person did meant a lot to you. But while we are more comfortable in these aspects I can say with certainty that the “spark” that brought us together still flames up like a blow torch on some days. It will hopefully be many, many years, if not ever before I don’t swoon like a love-struck high school kid over my husband in his black cowboy hat. I hope I never stop getting little butterflies and melting in his arms when he hugs me. Or nearly crack a rib from laughter over some hilarious scenario probably only we think is out of this world hilarious. I think I can confidently say we’re still love struck as ever. The “newness” might have worn off, but it’s been replaced by a feeling of home that brings peace and happiness to my entire soul when we're together. And we are not about to let those feelings die on us any time soon.

Laying a foundation

When Mark and I met, we talked so much about relationships, ours or just in general, what works what doesn’t work, and how we would handle common marital issues. We talked about everything under the sun that might affect our future marriage. There are still random things we’ll think about that will end up being a question, “What would we do if something like this happens?” We discussed so many things in depth because our shared goal was to lay a foundation that would last a lifetime. We wanted to do this right, because we didn’t want to be at the end of our life one day, miserable and hating each other. And divorce was not an option for either of us, save for some very extreme bodily harm and marital fraud circumstances. So we wanted to make our marriage work, and not just endure, but thrive. But how do you sustain a good marriage over time? Many people might have different answers, but in my opinion, they can all fall under the word, work. It’s extremely hard work to communicate, negotiate, compromise, to put in the time and effort to make sure the other person has everything they need so that you can receive everything you need in return to feel happy and fulfilled. Absolutely none of that is easy, and even if you do put in the effort, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it right! So you still have to negotiate in all of that, what you could do better, or figure out what the other person really needs, instead of just assuming you know what they need. Because if you haven’t asked specifically, the odds are good you might be doing it wrong, or not actually giving the other person what they need. With as complicated as it is to shackle yourself to another imperfect unique person with all of their own special quirks and odd habits, and different needs from yours, it’s honestly a miracle there are even good marriages at all.

Choosing your hard

While the years we are in of growing together and building the foundation of the next 20 or 30 years of our marriage will definitely be extra special to look back on, we are not about to let the intimacy, our bond, and how special we make each other feel, fade and be lost to time and indifference. We all have to choose our hard. You can choose the hard of not prioritizing your spouse and your marriage, and tending to it and caring for it, or you can choose the hard of taking your significant other for granted, and not putting in the work to understand them and love them the way they need to be loved. Both are hard, so it’s up to you to choose which hard you want to deal with. Keeping the spark alive is going to take everything in us as we go into probably one of the hardest and busiest years ahead for us as we make strides in finally finishing building our own home on our property and then subsequently moving to our new home. But we’re not going to let that get in the way of making each other a priority. We will still be doing our best to go on regular dates, no matter how cheap or simple we need to make them. We will still be making sure we keep Rachel’s bedtime early so we always have time to spend together in the evenings alone. And one of the most important parts, making sure we never forget to do the small things that make the other happy. Long-term happiness and joy in relationships are not found in always doing extravagant expensive dates or multiple weekend getaways, not that there is not a place for those examples, but they are hard to do often enough to sustain your relationship, especially once children come around. Long-term joy is almost always found in the little things, making their favorite dessert, taking a quick trip to the gas station just to get ice cream or cookies and eat it together while watching the sunset, bringing home their favorite drink, and making sure they don’t forget something important. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, it’s important to figure out what little things help sustain you and your spouse in the relationship. It’s those things that will carry you through the rough and busy seasons of life that come for all of us. When you first get married, it may seem like you’ll live in a fairy tale land of happiness forever, but real life comes for us all at some point. Family members die, you have children, you lose a job, the car breaks down, those things can knock you right out, and before you know it that deep love and desire can get buried under the weight of it all. You don’t have to let those feelings get buried like that forever, but they will wither and die if those coals aren’t dug up and fanned at least every once in a while. So figure out what fans each other's flames, particularly if it’s small and easy to do in a sustainable daily or weekly fashion, Reminisce about those times that first sparked your love, fan the flames of romance, and enjoy each other in the moment. Just because life is busy, painful, and tragic at times, does not mean you can’t caretake your relationship, and build it up even stronger for the next wave of trouble that life brings your way. You can bring back that honeymoon stage if you have lost it for a while, it’s never too late to stoke the fire if there are still coals. Because when does the honeymoon stage end, you might ask? Whenever you let it end

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